I’m now 40 years old and I’m an NBSB. So what’s an NBSB you may ask?
Well NBSB stands for: ‘No Boyfriend Since Birth.’
*Gasp!* *Choke!* The shock! The horror! I know what you’re asking. In this day and age, is that even possible?! Does she live in a cave on a deserted island somewhere? Does she have a great ‘personality’? Well, the answers to those questions are: No, No, and definitely No (unless you mean ‘personality’ in its true definition, then the answer changes to ‘Yes’)!
So, what’s the problem?
Believe me, that’s my recurring question. The truth is, I’m not a hermit. I have a big group of great friends. And yes, that group of friends does include guys. But for some reason, that romantic ‘click’ just hasn’t happened to me. I get the friendship ‘click’ quite a lot…I mean, I’ve had crushes before, but they just don’t make it over that hurdle marked: Friends.
After, say, 20 years of looking for a boyfriend, that’s calculating that I became a young woman at 13 and started looking at guys differently from then – but, hang on, I remember having my first crush at 10! Oh dear, make that 30 years, it kind of begs the question: “What’s wrong with me?” It’s very easy to lose one’s self-esteem with questions like that. When you have that special someone, to me it says that this person saw something in you, something no one else had, and it made him or her want to spend more time with you and share who they were with you. So when you’re not in that special relationship, it’s not a big leap to start thinking that maybe, you don’t have something in you someone else wants to see.
Forget the fact that you’re a good person. Forget that you may have a huge heart or that your friends think that you’re wonderful and beautiful….when you haven’t been ‘chosen’ by that one person, your belief in your own worth, your own value can diminish quickly.
So what’s a 40-year-old lonely heart supposed to do now? Well, same thing I’ve always done. I looked up and looked to my God. I looked to that one person I knew who loved me for who I am. All I am. His love is unconditional and eternal.
Yes, I will admit that there are times when it feels like He doesn’t care and that He’s far away. I have experienced this. When your heart is in a million pieces and all you want to do is curl up in your bed and howl, where is He then? He’s right there beside you, hurting just as much, just as any parent hurts when they see their child unhappy. He is in the shared laughter between friends. He is in the wind – felt but never seen. He is in the gentle warmth of sunshine. He is in the things that remind you you’re alive and in the moments that sow that little seed of peace in your heart.
“I said: “I am falling” but your constant love, O Lord held me up. Whenever I am anxious or worried, you comfort me and made me glad.” (Psalm 94: 18-19)
If you need more evidence that you are loved, look to the cross and to the Son of God crucified on it. Do what I did. I looked in a mirror and remembered this: “God made this face – just as it is today.”
Oh, and one more thing I remember while I wait to be ‘chosen’….
I am worthy. I am valued. I am loved.
